you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
