my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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