Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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