It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
