Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
