Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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