Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
