and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
