Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.