Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
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Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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