Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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