Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
