You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
