Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
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I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
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I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
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