all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
