Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
