How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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