Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
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