She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
