I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
