Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
