Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
