Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
