I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
