i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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