Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
