i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
