Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
