do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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