This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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