Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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