No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
