We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
