worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
