Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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