luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
