i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
