We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
