I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
