Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
