Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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