I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
