I just pynch a tree in the face
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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