If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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