I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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