Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
