I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love