life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
