Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I think I sprained my soul last night
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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