What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
