I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
