my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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