Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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