brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
