I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
