if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
