my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
