So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
