i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
